During
the last number of years, anger had overtaken my life.
Anyone, or
anything could and would make me angry. This was not only affecting me
but others I was involved with. The Lord finally intervened and brought
me to the point where I realized I needed help. To get in touch with my
timid spirit, trying to remain independent, my negative thoughts and my anger,
I had to get in touch with wounds of my past as a young girl in school. I
had worked hard never to be hurt again and therefore not letting anyone get
close to me. To open this rocky past and acknowledge it
was a most difficult
task. Through the help from a Theophostic Prayer Minister the Lord
walked me through my painful past. The Lord freed me of the lies I believed
about myself and only then was I able to forgive others. Like Hagar
I finally was able to face going back to my past. This allowed Jesus to
uncover my wounds and bathe them in His love and set me free.
-
Tina
Rachel's Vineyard Testimony
I couldn’t understand my inability to maintain true
intimate relationships, or even work towards having them. I
would hook up with guys that I knew (somewhere, only deeply
hidden away) who would not commit yet (somewhere, deeply hidden
away) desiring a committed relationship . I’d act like
it didn’t really matter or it was their fault
that these relationships did not work out. I would
just move
on and subconsciously
sabotage some more relationships. I had absolutely
no idea that my inability to maintain true intimate
relationships
was in direct correlation to missing my children.
During my early twenties I had a miscarriage without
even realizing that I was pregnant. I was not yet a
Christian back then, but
something in me believed that God’s hand was at work
and that was “His way”, for ending the
pregnancy. I thought I was comfortable with that reasoning.
About a year or so later, I became pregnant again.
Believing that there was no way that I could be a single
parent – handle
the responsibility, or selflessly give up my self or my freedom,
I consulted my OBGYN. He suggested options with abortion being
the most discussed one. A close family member who had had an
abortion shortly before and a few close friends were supportive
of any decision I had to make. I chose the abortion. Every
thought concerning the abortion became very medical , and every
feeling pushed away in order to rationalize logically that “after
all it was only a medical procedure” and life never seemed
an option. After the abortion , I stuffed all feelings and
thoughts even deeper somewhere and moved on as I thought. My
lifestyle was totally unhealthy (sex, drugs and rock and roll).
On some subconscious level I believed that since I sabotaged
my children’s relationships with myself, that
all other relationships would suffer also. I had no
idea
as how much
of a mess my life had become.
Over a decade later, I became a Christian. Five years
later at a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat I realized
I had nearly two decades of intense emotional pain
which literally weighed
me down. In 2 _ days God did many miracles in my life.
When I first became a Christian I had begun to re-evaluate
my life.
Memories of the abortion came up. Through healing prayer
I knew that God had forgiven me and that Christ had
died for
that decision I had made in my life, but deep deep
down, I could not forgive myself. I hated myself. There
was
so much
regret. Well God and His Son met me at the retreat
and through His Living Word I was truly released of
all self
condemnation
for what I had done. Jesus showed me that my children
forgave me and deeply loved me too! God even allowed
me to name
the child I had miscarried as well as the aborted child.
Talk about
a family reunion!
There are reasons Jesus is called our Redeemer and these were
a couple of mine. I was in a completely different place as
a person then. In fact the Father, Son and Holy Spirit have
done in my heart, at the core of my being, more than words
can express. I am so truly grateful for His Living Word. My
heart sings for my children Rebecca and Joshua!
- Tracey
